On this Mother’s Day, I find myself filled with memories of raising you and gratitude for the blessing you are in my life. I also feel compelled to share a few thoughts that have been stirring in my soul…

I know only too well that as your mother, what I say and do, carries more weight than it would from anyone else. Likewise because I am your Mom, you have higher expectations of me than you would anyone else. But I need you to understand that I am human complete with foibles, quirks and a multitude of failings.

When you were born, I knew that I was willing to do whatever it took for you to grow into a healthy, happy, well-adjusted adult. I was unaware that I had a pre-imagined picture in my mind of what that would look like… a miniature version of myself and Dad, including our values, beliefs and even our thought processes.

I went about raising you in the best way I knew how, trying ever so hard not to “mess up.” In my mind, that would be unforgivable. Always on high alert for how to shape you into the adults we intended to turn out into the world, I didn’t realize that in the process I might be hindering the authentic you from emerging. I had a prescribed way of being a mother and while I’m confident you knew I loved you, I’m not sure how much you felt valued for being you rather than for your behavior. I’m not sure you felt heard. I’ve come to realize that truly hearing you involves more than just listening with my ears. Not only does it involve presence of mind, heart and spirit, but also awareness that some things are not communicated in words. Ultimately, real listening requires my intention and a real desire to know your heart.

When raising you, finding moments of quiet was a rare commodity. Yet I now realize it would have been important to be more introspective and reflective about my relationship with you and your individual needs. It’s amazing how clarity improves in hindsight. I know that many of my child-rearing years were spent doing-doing-doing, partly as a function of being mother, partly by the enslavement of familial and societal dictates of the parental role. Regardless, I missed some really important aspects of parenthood, especially validating and fostering your uniqueness and nurturing your spirit. How could I guide you to your “inner sanctum” when I was struggling to locate my own? I know that I missed out as much as you did.

I cannot get a “do-over” and guilt would be a waste of time and energy. So on Mother’s Day, I want to share these thoughts with you and to thank you for the privilege of accompanying you on your journey. I love learning from you, growing with you, celebrating your successes, and being there in the trenches with you when all appears bleak. I take great joy in continuing to grow in relationship with you, to know all the beauty and uniqueness that is you. My precious, precious child, I love you so!

~Mom  (akaZanne)

InSearchOfAuthenticity.com

© 2017 Zanne