After a four-day visit with our grandchildren, my husband and I were saying our goodbyes as our son-in-law dropped us off at the airport. Our five-year-old granddaughter, who had been animated just a few minutes earlier, was quiet. I could tell the moment the realization hit her that it would be another three and a half months before we’d see each other again. Her blue eyes downcast and her little lips in a pout showed me how she was feeling. My heart melted and my first instinct to lift her spirits was well intentioned as I said to her, “Well, at least we got to play ‘Go-Fish’ all the way to the airport, that’s something to smile about!”

Watching them drive away, I pondered the fact that she might have felt more validated if I had said to her, “You look like you’re feeling sad right now…” which would have given her the opportunity to express her unhappiness rather than suppress it. Perhaps she would have felt more understood. Acknowledging the feeling and bringing it out into the open probably would have been a more constructive way to handle it, helping her deal with her feelings of loss and disappointment.

This little incident prompted me to wonder: When I try to ‘cheer’ someone, am I doing it for them or for myself?

Asking myself this question, I answer an unequivocal, “Of course I’m doing it for them!” Upon closer inspection, however, I realize that I may be doing the ‘cheering-up’ because it’s easier and more pleasant to be with a happy person than an unhappy one. I wonder if it’s because dealing with happy people doesn’t require the complex skill set that dealing with unhappy people sometimes does. Unhappiness can be messy and unpredictable. There’s the ever-present question, “Will I know what to say or do?” And because I don’t like feeling inept, I would rather not tread upon uncertain soil. In the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that while I want to help someone one feel better, I do so, trying to alleviate any burden of discomfort from myself as well.

Might a better alternative be for me to show up with a loving heart and meet people where they are regardless of the discomfort it causes me? To be with them in their sadness, allowing them the sacred space to feel their feelings and express them if they so desire…letting them do what they do best…know themselves and what they need in that moment…

~Zanne

InSearchOfAuthenticity.com

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