“Hi Babe!” My husband greets me as I walk through the door after work. He’s been studying for his Master’s degree and welcomes the break. He looks at me, does a double take and immediately asks, “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” I reply in a controlled tone.

He walks over, looks at me and says, “I can tell something is the matter, I can see it in your face.” After only 16 months of marriage he knows me too well.

I lift my eyes to meet his and a sob escapes my lips as I see the compassion in his eyes. My face crumples and immediately his arms are around me. I blubber about an incident at the gas pump that culminated in an older man giving me a piece of his mind. I could barely get the words out, I was stammering so much.

Eventually, the event that got me upset became less important than the fact that whenever someone mistreated me, I would cry. “I’m an adult,” I would tell myself, “why don’t I feel like one?”

Back then, I felt like such a baby because whenever I was angry, all I seemed to be able to do was to break down in tears. If someone treated me with disrespect, the intense anger I felt would make me cry. If someone cheated me, I’d get angry, and, you guessed it, I would cry. It was so frustrating to me that anger always reduced me to tears. “Why?” I berated myself. “Why can’t I just stand up for myself and tell people what I think?”

One day, as I was journaling, a thought popped into my head and onto the page. I felt it in my bones that this gem required further investigating. As I continued to probe, it all unfolded one thought revealing another and understanding finally started to take shape.

I had grown up in a peaceful, rather serene and happy household, where there was an unwritten rule that emotional displays of anger were not allowed. We were told in no uncertain terms to ‘simmer down.’ Anger was not tolerated for one minute… Reflecting back on my childhood, what I also discovered was that tears were not only tolerated but seen as perfectly acceptable. Hurt was understood and ministered to, while anger was suppressed.

With that habit pattern firmly in place, from a very young age, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand why my anger always erupted in tears… it was the only acceptable form of escape it ever had!

Once I learned to acknowledge my anger and was able to make peace with it, I also learned to express it in more mature ways. I am now able to talk issues through and I no longer dissolve into tears when I’m angry.

It never ceases to amaze me what an incredible tool self-reflection has been in my life. Recognizing a behavior that needs attention, then making it a priority to dig long enough to understand it’s underpinnings allows me to press the “reset” button and reprogram myself with more wholesome behaviors.

~Zanne

InSearchOfAuthenticity.com

© 2017 Zanne