I’ve always tried to put myself in their shoes when someone told me they had a diagnosis of cancer. I no longer have to imagine what it must be like. Instead, I get to experience it first hand. Don’t get me wrong, it’s certainly not something I would have chosen, but since I find myself thrust into the cave of this ugly monster, I’m definitely going to pull out my flashlight and have a look around. Compassion comes from truly understanding what others are going through, and now I’ll really know.

I’ve been told I process life events differently. At times, I admit I do feel different about the way I navigate them. I use a process I adopted over the years that has made what we’d normally consider a BAD experience not all bad.

I used to allow such an experience to overtake me. I’d wallow in self-pity, complete with… “Why me? It’s not fair!” … I would be totally immersed in the victim role that’s so easy to fall into during hard times. Eventually, I acknowledged that this sort of carrying on did not move me in a better direction at all. In the end, I felt worse for having caved in and having subjected myself to being victimized by the event. There had to be a better way.

Then I heard that “Every cloud has a silver lining.” That got me thinking. If it’s true, then I needed to find that silver lining in every unpleasant situation in which I found myself. This was a skill I knew I had to develop if I wanted to stop the insane victimization I experienced every time one of life’s curve balls came my way. In the beginning, looking at things this way made each incident only a bit more palatable. Along the way, however, I discovered that paying attention and being proactive in digging allowed me to make better choices. Moreover, I always collected golden nuggets of wisdom and understanding. The grip of feeling like a victim finally loosened and I started to feel more empowered.

Like toning a muscle with exercise, I practiced my new way of thinking and began responding differently to situations. As challenges presented themselves, a trigger went off in my mind, and automatically, like Pavlov’s dogs looking for their reward, I started to look for the good that could come from each one. This way of dealing with life’s challenges has never disappointed me. I have learned so much along the way!

Lest you think I’m being “Pollyanna-ish” about this cancer diagnosis, I can tell you that I’m on a semi-controlled roller coaster ride right now.   Having to wait for tests and their results in order to know the complete diagnosis and course of treatment can send my heart racing and my thoughts galloping like a headless horseman heading toward a cliff. I grapple between wanting to know now and wanting to stay in the space of not knowing, where there is still hope if the diagnosis is not a good one. I hope for the best, but it’s too easy to imagine the worst, if I allow myself to. Reigning in these thoughts and feelings is taking all the emotional muscle I’ve ever “trained.” I know there will be tough days ahead, days where I will completely forget everything I’ve written here. It’s not a matter of denying my feelings and emotions, but rather, acknowledging every one of them, feeling every one of them, embracing every one of them and mining each for the insights they undoubtedly hold.

Much love,

~Zanne

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