“Grief is not always about death, but it is always about attachment and separation.” ~Kenneth J. Doka

The initial loss of a loved one can be sharp and deep. I remember, in my early twenties, losing my 85 yr. old grandfather quite suddenly. He sat down to watch the evening news, fell asleep and never woke up! I couldn’t rejoice in his good fortune of leaving this earth so peacefully because I was all consumed with my loss of his presence in my life. With the benefit of years and more life experience, I can, not only, see what a blessing this was for him, but also why I was, initially, so inconsolable.

He was the first person, dear to me, to pass away. It shook me to my core. Of course, I understood that we all die… theoretically. It had just never touched my circle of family until that point. Besides knowing I’d miss him, his passing made me face my own eventual and certain mortality. That was scary because, up until that point, I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me with an unspoken premise that all would be well and would continue as it always had. His death shattered my attachment to this kind of thinking. It made me look at my parents and realize that some day they too would be gone, and so would I, as well as the rest of my family. I was forced to acknowledge the transitory nature of life.

In the past, when I heard the word ‘grief’ or ‘grieving,’ more often than not, I unconsciously linked it with the death of a loved one. However, after examining this more closely, I’ve come to the realization that grief applies to many situations where we’re “separated” not only from someone but also, at times, some “thing.” Grief is involved when reality does not meet expectations… when my experience and view of my world is disrupted or taken away and life as I have known it, is no longer. When what I am experiencing is not what I had imagined and expected to experience, there is a reckoning that must take place. The process of letting go of my imagined expectations and embracing what is my new current reality, can be a painful, arduous process depending on how tightly I’ve been holding onto my preconceived expectations.

The more attached I am to my vision of the way things should be, the harder it is to separate myself from it and the more pain and grief this separation causes me.

I find this especially true when the future I am facing is not the one I had imagined. Going back to my grandfather’s passing, I knew I was going to miss him. Having been married only six months, I had been looking forward to having him over for more evenings of dinners together and playing cards, his favorite pastime. I grieved that loss as well. The future memories I had imagined creating with him vanished the moment he breathed his last.

I think about how the loss of a spouse also means the loss of plans and a future that was imagined with both of them in the picture. I believe the grieving process involves grieving all that is lost not just the beloved.

In my own current health situation, the future I am facing is a bit fuzzy. It may not be the future I had imagined. I am reminded, once again, to hold onto these imaginings loosely and while taking the time to acknowledge the loss, being willing to move into acceptance of ‘what is’ quickly. Doing so helps me manage life’s challenges with ease, grace and joy.

~Zanne

InSearchOfAuthenticity.com

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