I feel as though I’m in a dream. It’s all so surreal… like I’m an attendee at someone else’s wedding. Walking down the aisle with my parents at my side and viewing everyone from behind my veil awakens me to the fact that the wedding is indeed my own. ‘What am I doing? Why do I feel so disconnected from myself? Am I old enough to be doing this?’ I ask myself. And yet, “Here we are, gathered together in the sight of God…”

How did I get to this point? I just don’t feel the unbridled joy I imagined my wedding day would bring. I love and cherish this wonderful man enough to marry him. But something just doesn’t feel quite right and hasn’t ever since I accepted his proposal…

Looking back, as we neared the sixth-month count down to the wedding, the uneasy feeling in my gut seemed to grow. What in the world was that all about? Was it trying to communicate something to me or was it just normal jitters that accompany someone about to embark on a life-altering path? Unable to decipher what it was telling me, I started to wonder if it meant I shouldn’t marry him. I really, really didn’t want to make a mistake! On the one hand, I didn’t want to hurt him. But on the other, I knew it was ‘til death do us part.’

At that point, I started to evaluate his words, his actions, his intentions, his everything. If I discovered that I needed to call this off and save face, I had to have a really good reason. I turned every stone to figure out what I was missing. In the end, I could find no major flaw and I knew that he truly did love me, and I him. That is why I found myself walking down the aisle toward him on my wedding day, praying this uneasy feeling was nothing serious.

Having been raised in a very religious home, I was trained to always follow the rules. I was molded from a very early age to be overly concerned about other people’s opinions of me. This left me little room for exploring my own thoughts. My inner world was as foreign to me as a distant country so it never occurred to me to turn the flashlight of focus on myself rather than my fiancé.

Years later, I embarked on another life-altering journey, one of inner self-discovery. It was then that I realized the uneasiness leading up to my wedding was my soul crying out to me, trying to get me to place my attention inward. It was questioning not whom I was marrying but if it was the right time in my life for me to get married. In so many ways, I had been so ill prepared to make that kind of commitment. At 22, I didn’t even know myself! I wasn’t fully formed into an adult yet! I still had so much learning, discovering and growing to do.

With the exception of my college years, I went from living with my parents to living with my husband. Oh, I had wanted to take an apartment after college, but my parents came to me and reasoned that; “there are only two reasons why a young woman your age takes an apartment; one, because she wants to ‘shack up’ with a guy; or two, because she doesn’t get along with her parents… and neither one of those sits well with us. After all, what would people think? What would the neighbors think? What would the relatives think??” Not wanting to bring them disgrace, I caved. I always did what they wanted … like the good girl that I was.

And just like that, I allowed my desire for independence to be defeated. I had just wanted to see what it felt like to be totally responsible for myself, pay my own bills and make my way in life. I couldn’t articulate it at the time but I had wanted to experience more of what life had to offer and to explore and discover myself as well. I now believe that is what my gut had been trying to tell me the months leading up to my wedding.

Fortunately, marrying my husband turned out to be a very good decision that I’ve never regretted. Still, I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be on one’s own and not have to take everyone else’s needs, desires or wishes into consideration… even if just for a short while.

I fell into the role of wife seamlessly and then motherhood shortly after. I was so used to deciphering what people wanted and needed and providing what I could for them that life went on somewhat effortlessly.

I continued struggling to figure out my own wants, needs, desires and whether or not I had the right to pursue them. Possibly because I’m a middle child, or perhaps because I had focused outward for so long, I was more familiar with focusing on other’s needs than knowing myself and discovering my own. It is an issue that I am still working on correcting.

I know that it’s up to me. Little by little I’m learning to step out of this familiar groove and I’m creating new choices for myself; choices that put me in the equation and empower me to make decisions that are supportive of both ‘them’ and ‘me.’

~Zanne

InSearchOfAuthenticity.com

© 2018 Zanne