A recent conversation with my niece started me thinking about the word ‘should.’  I told her when I hear that word coming out of my mouth, I picture a red flag spewing forth.  It reminded me of an incident when my daughter was not quite old enough to get a job but old enough to babysit. Responsible and reliable were just two of the qualities that kept her in demand.  

One day, she came to me with a dilemma, “I just don’t know what to do!  Mrs. C called asking me to babysit on Monday.  She and Mr. C didn’t realize it’s a holiday so they didn’t plan their work schedules around it.  They both have to work.  I told her I was sorry but that I already had plans.  She was really disappointed and said she didn’t know what she was going to do.  I feel bad for her, but I don’t want to miss out on our family visit.”

“Well, I don’t see how you can not babysit.  You should do it!  Mrs. C really needs you!” I exclaimed.  I didn’t understand how my daughter could think otherwise.  That’s when my husband walked in from work.  After a brief recounting, he looked at me and said, “It is our daughter’s choice to say, ‘no’.”  I was mortified!

“But they NEED her!” I emphasized, like their ‘need’ is what made it a mandatory request, giving her no choice in the matter.

“Yes, they do need someone to look after their children but that does not make it our daughter’s problem.  Why should she have to pay for their oversight?  If she is free that day and wants to babysit, that’s fine, but if she doesn’t want to for any reason, she should not be made to feel guilty for saying no.”

After picking up my jaw off the floor, I was in disbelief that there was another way to look at the situation.  I had been raised to help wherever I could; to consider my own desires had never been part of the equation.  Our daughter was thrilled to know that she could hold onto her plans without feeling the weight of any guilt.  I, on the other hand, felt like my reason for being had been bent out of shape and rearranged with some parts no longer fitting into my formerly neatly-arranged puzzle. 

This new thought process of having real choice has been a two-steps-forward, one-step-back journey for me.

In my world, the word ‘should’ is usually preceded by ‘I.’  I realized that in order to examine such compulsions, I needed to go upstream.  In other words, what prompted me to make that statement?  Where is this coming from?  What thoughts led to this conclusion that I ‘should’ do said particular thing?

Asking myself these probing questions reveals to me the intention.  Is my intention rooted in love or fear?  What I’ve discovered when the intention is verbally expressed in a sentence that begins with “I should,” is that it rarely springs from an intention of love.  Otherwise, it would be verbally expressed as “I would really like to…”

“I should” usually indicates something I don’t really want to do but believe, for some reason, that pushing myself to doing it is advantageous.  Scrutinizing both my resistance as well as the perceived benefit is equally important.

Is the cost to me too high?  Physically, Emotionally, Financially, Time or Energy-wise?  Is this where my resistance comes in?  Or is it just a plain old despicable task?  What exactly is my resistance?  

I used to skip this step and force myself to go through with the task because I was such a people-pleaser.  The perceived benefit was that I would be seen as agreeable, nice, helpful, kind and cooperative. My need for the good opinion of others surpassed the consideration for my own wellbeing.  I was willing to be the martyr.  Being a martyr has its own price, though.  Anger; ‘How dare they ask this of me?’  Indignation; ‘I can’t believe that was dropped in my lap!’ Helplessness; ‘Now I have all this extra work to do!’  Together, these create a bitter stew of resentment, a concoction I have consciously chosen to step away from.

When the request came from someone I love/value, I believed that it was virtuous to ‘sacrifice for the one(s) you love.’  This approach, however, automatically removes choice from the menu of options.  I had assumed that if I truly love the person, I should be willing to ‘give till it hurts,’ so to speak, so what was there to consider?  Being loving had been intertwined with a dysfunctional sense of obligation.  

I’ve had to ask myself a couple of questions; 

‘Does something done out of obligation carry the same blessing as something done with true choice??’  I don’t believe the giver or the receiver are blessed at all.  Who wants to be obliged to someone or feel like an obligation to someone else?  I believe that a ‘yes’ is not truly a ‘yes,’ if it is not coupled with a bona fide consideration with full permission to say ‘no.’  

I’ve also asked myself; 

‘Is there ever an appropriate place for ‘sacrifice’ in a relationship??’  For me, sacrifice should only be done when it can be carried out without a begrudging heart.  It absolutely must be done with a joyful heart.  I don’t need to be jumping up and down with joy, but I must at least be able to find meaning and contentment in meeting someone else’s need.  Otherwise, even a slight whiff of resentment can dampen love.

Initially, even taking baby steps toward recovering from a life driven by ‘shoulds’ was arduous.  It was a muscle I had rarely flexed.  The awareness and increased sense of well-being I have gained by inching away from a life of obligations and toward a life of true choices has been buoyant and life-affirming. It has been worth every single struggle!

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2024 Zanne