Going through my closet, recently, I came across my 2017 planner.  Reading through the entries felt like I was reliving that year.  The most significant was the progression from the abnormal findings on the mammogram in October, through all the appointments and biopsies, leading to surgery, which ultimately determined that I, indeed, had breast cancer.  I was informed that there was a ten-day waiting period for some amount of healing to take place before I could be exposed to a PET scan and MRI.  These tests would determine whether or not it had spread.  

I felt like I was in limbo.  I knew that even once the tests were done, Thanksgiving would interfere with getting the results in a timely manner.  Waiting and not knowing, once again, would be the order of the day. It would undoubtedly be close to a month before I would know what I was dealing with.  Finding myself on a merry-go-round to nowhere, I decided to get off and sit still to examine my options.  I knew that not knowing would drive me insane if I didn’t come up with some way of dealing with it.

It was way too early in the process to look for a silver lining, I admitted to myself.  However, my prior Dale Carnegie training reminded me that accepting the worst possible outcome then setting about trying to improve it was a good option.  If my days are seriously numbered, how do I want to spend them? I asked myself.  Certainly, it wasn’t by being depressed, living in anxiety and fear. I wanted to avoid being sucked into that negative emotional vortex.  I understood that I needed to halt fear in its tracks.

I decided to put a “DO NOT ENTER” sign on anxiety-producing thoughts.  Yes, thoughts often present themselves uninvited.  I imagine them as strangers knocking at my door requesting entry.  I scrutinize strangers at the door to my home and discern whether or not to let them in.  Why do any less with thoughts wanting to take up residence in my mind, an even more influential domain?  I remember arriving home late one evening and just sitting in the darkness of my car allowing myself the time to evaluate equally dark thoughts that had barged in on me. Thoughts like; Will I live to see my sons getting married? I would want to know my new daughters-in-law.  Will I live to know my grandchildren and enjoy them?  Things I had previously taken for granted now came into question…

All these questions fell in the category of not knowing.  No amount of renumerating would provide answers so I chose to close down that chatter and focus on the present moment since it was the only certainty I had. I posed the question to myself once again; If I was told I only had 30 days left on this earth, do I want to waste a single one being miserable by my own doing rather than enjoying each to the fullest?!?  I didn’t feel ill or like there was anything wrong with my body so I decided to practice another of the Dale Carnegie principles; live each day in “day-tight compartments.”  To my surprise I discovered that, with practice, I could enjoy each day as it came and I was able to put off till tomorrow its own sorrows.  

And that is how I came to make peace with not knowing…by letting go, making the most of each day, living each in a spirit of love and connection to the best of my ability, one day at a time.  This skill has since come into play innumerable times for many different reasons.  It has amazed me that some of my most treasured skills were learned in trials-by-fire.  I guess I could say that I found that silver lining after all!

~SuZanne
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