“What advice would you give your 20-year-old self” was the topic of a Women’s coffee I attended this past spring.  Honestly, there are so many things I wish I had known back when I was 20, but I was limited to one.  I pictured sitting on a park bench with said 20-year-old self. With my arm around her, I would say:

“You know, honey, it’s human nature to go through life side-stepping emotional mine fields.  None of us likes conflict.  No matter how much effort you put into ‘getting along,’ you will find yourself from time to time, smack dab in the middle of conflict.  The big question is; what to do when you find yourself there…  Some conflicts are too petty to give the time of day to, while others must be addressed. It feels safer and less intimidating in the moment, to walk away from the significant ones as well and that’s why so many people do.  I implore you to view these conflicts as your schooling.  They are opportunities for you to practice and learn how to handle yourself.

Even if, at first, you think you cannot do something, do not assume it is a personal deficiency.  Stop believing that you are disabled in some way or worse, powerless.  There are just certain necessary skills you are either unaware of or currently unskilled at.  You can learn anything you put your mind to if and only if you believe that you can, then take the necessary actions to become skilled at it.  The same is true with conflict management.

The discomfort you feel when a conflict of significance pops up will propel you to want to run toward the nearest exit door as quickly as possible and quit…like the college classes that you can choose to drop partway through the semester.  My advice to you is, PUSH THROUGH!!  You definitely will experience extreme discomfort in the beginning. You will occasionally feel such dread & fear that you’ll be convinced you’re about to lose consciousness.  That’s okay.  You will feel inadequate, even tongue-tied and sometimes frozen in place, like a deer-in-headlights. I know it won’t feel good, but that’s okay too. Take a deep breath, then get going on learning the necessary skills. Seek out a mentor; someone you’ve witnessed handle uncomfortable situations with effectiveness and grace.  They can help you put situations in perspective and help you craft the words to state your viewpoint until you’re proficient enough to do it on your own.  

If you refuse to feel the discomfort required in gaining the skills to address conflicts effectively, you will remain stuck. You will never experience the confidence of taking a well-deserved place at the table that you are worthy of.  

Learning to express yourself clearly, calmly and gracefully will pay huge dividends.  It will give you the confidence to move through life knowing you can handle any situation or conflict that comes your way.  You’ll be more amenable to jumping into situations that could involve conflicts.  Because you’ll know how to handle them, you won’t fear them and this will open so many doors of opportunity for you.  Know in your bones that this is a skill that you can learn and make it a priority!!

My dear girl, being able to effectively speak your mind with care and authenticity, will not only gain you the respect of others, but more importantly, it will elevate you in your own eyes… the only person that this really matters to in the end.” 

~SuZanne
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