“What advice would you give your 20-year-old self” was the topic of a Women’s coffee I attended this past spring.  Honestly, there are so many things I wish I had known back when I was 20, but I was limited to one.  I pictured sitting on a park bench with said 20-year-old self. With my arm around her, I would say:

“You know, honey, it’s human nature to go through life side-stepping emotional mine fields.  None of us likes conflict.  No matter how much effort you put into ‘getting along,’ you will find yourself from time to time, smack dab in the middle of conflict.  The big question is; what to do when you find yourself there…  Some conflicts are too petty to give the time of day to, while others must be addressed. It feels safer and less intimidating in the moment, to walk away from the significant ones as well and that’s why so many people do.  I implore you to view these conflicts as your schooling.  They are opportunities for you to practice and learn how to handle yourself.

Even if, at first, you think you cannot do something, do not assume it is a personal deficiency.  Stop believing that you are disabled in some way or worse, powerless.  There are just certain necessary skills you are either unaware of or currently unskilled at.  You can learn anything you put your mind to if and only if you believe that you can, then take the necessary actions to become skilled at it.  The same is true with conflict management.

The discomfort you feel when a conflict of significance pops up will propel you to want to run toward the nearest exit door as quickly as possible and quit…like the college classes that you can choose to drop partway through the semester.  My advice to you is, PUSH THROUGH!!  You definitely will experience extreme discomfort in the beginning. You will occasionally feel such dread & fear that you’ll be convinced you’re about to lose consciousness.  That’s okay.  You will feel inadequate, even tongue-tied and sometimes frozen in place, like a deer-in-headlights. I know it won’t feel good, but that’s okay too. Take a deep breath, then get going on learning the necessary skills. Seek out a mentor; someone you’ve witnessed handle uncomfortable situations with effectiveness and grace.  They can help you put situations in perspective and help you craft the words to state your viewpoint until you’re proficient enough to do it on your own.  

If you refuse to feel the discomfort required in gaining the skills to address conflicts effectively, you will remain stuck. You will never experience the confidence of taking a well-deserved place at the table that you are worthy of.  

Learning to express yourself clearly, calmly and gracefully will pay huge dividends.  It will give you the confidence to move through life knowing you can handle any situation or conflict that comes your way.  You’ll be more amenable to jumping into situations that could involve conflicts.  Because you’ll know how to handle them, you won’t fear them and this will open so many doors of opportunity for you.  Know in your bones that this is a skill that you can learn and make it a priority!!

My dear girl, being able to effectively speak your mind with care and authenticity, will not only gain you the respect of others, but more importantly, it will elevate you in your own eyes… the only person that this really matters to in the end.” 

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2024 Zanne

Recently, I was triggered by an email that felt like it carried an accusatory tone…mainly, that I had not responded quickly enough to the sender’s previous request.  While I usually respond within 24-48 hours, a busy weekend with company overshadowed the thought of checking my email. (This admission alone hints at the approximate age bracket I fall in. 😜)  

I was ‘regrouping’ on Monday and it was evening before I got around to checking it.  That’s when I discovered Friday’s email along with a second one sent Monday morning, requesting an answer from me.  After answering the email, a response came back with an admonishment for not having responded sooner.  Feeling a bit defensive, I started to craft a response that explained why I hadn’t.  That’s when it occurred to me that I did not need to explain myself.  “I am a volunteer coordinator for this event that is still a month off,” I reasoned, “and I have answered her question.”  So, instead, I merely emailed that I would see her at the upcoming event.  

It’s becoming increasingly clear to me that situations like this are merely triggers of pain points that I have not resolved in myself.  It doesn’t matter what age I am, there will always be more unresolved ones that present themselves.  It seems there is always another hiding behind the current one obscuring itself from my view until I deal with the one in front of me.  In this instance, I was triggered by a negative feeling arising from being accused of not doing my job and being irresponsible.

I also realize that, albeit unknowingly, I can, and probably do trigger other people’s pain points too.  Is it possible that the email sender was triggered when the answer to her question didn’t come as quickly as she felt she deserved, leaving her feeling ignored?  Could she have taken this as a slight, therefore responding to me as she did?  Entirely possible, as I reflect on it.  And in turn, I was triggered by her chiding.  I wonder if this isn’t the way ill feelings between parties begin…?  Becoming aware enough of what’s going on and putting a stop to it, however, requires the presence of mind in the midst of being emotionally stepped on…not always easy when emotions begin to percolate.  A friend of mine calls this ‘not rising to the bait.’  I love that concept!  

Situations like this bring to mind the early morning walk where I inadvertently step in doggy-do.  The sooner I’m aware of it and can drag my footwear in the grass to remove the remains, the better off I am.  Otherwise, I drag it around with me wondering where the stench is coming from.  If fragrance remains on the hand of the giver, then the opposite must also be true.  As much as possible, I intend on enjoying and passing on only pleasant fragrances…

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2024 Zanne

A recent conversation with my niece started me thinking about the word ‘should.’  I told her when I hear that word coming out of my mouth, I picture a red flag spewing forth.  It reminded me of an incident when my daughter was not quite old enough to get a job but old enough to babysit. Responsible and reliable were just two of the qualities that kept her in demand.  

One day, she came to me with a dilemma, “I just don’t know what to do!  Mrs. C called asking me to babysit on Monday.  She and Mr. C didn’t realize it’s a holiday so they didn’t plan their work schedules around it.  They both have to work.  I told her I was sorry but that I already had plans.  She was really disappointed and said she didn’t know what she was going to do.  I feel bad for her, but I don’t want to miss out on our family visit.”

“Well, I don’t see how you can not babysit.  You should do it!  Mrs. C really needs you!” I exclaimed.  I didn’t understand how my daughter could think otherwise.  That’s when my husband walked in from work.  After a brief recounting, he looked at me and said, “It is our daughter’s choice to say, ‘no’.”  I was mortified!

“But they NEED her!” I emphasized, like their ‘need’ is what made it a mandatory request, giving her no choice in the matter.

“Yes, they do need someone to look after their children but that does not make it our daughter’s problem.  Why should she have to pay for their oversight?  If she is free that day and wants to babysit, that’s fine, but if she doesn’t want to for any reason, she should not be made to feel guilty for saying no.”

After picking up my jaw off the floor, I was in disbelief that there was another way to look at the situation.  I had been raised to help wherever I could; to consider my own desires had never been part of the equation.  Our daughter was thrilled to know that she could hold onto her plans without feeling the weight of any guilt.  I, on the other hand, felt like my reason for being had been bent out of shape and rearranged with some parts no longer fitting into my formerly neatly-arranged puzzle. 

This new thought process of having real choice has been a two-steps-forward, one-step-back journey for me.

In my world, the word ‘should’ is usually preceded by ‘I.’  I realized that in order to examine such compulsions, I needed to go upstream.  In other words, what prompted me to make that statement?  Where is this coming from?  What thoughts led to this conclusion that I ‘should’ do said particular thing?

Asking myself these probing questions reveals to me the intention.  Is my intention rooted in love or fear?  What I’ve discovered when the intention is verbally expressed in a sentence that begins with “I should,” is that it rarely springs from an intention of love.  Otherwise, it would be verbally expressed as “I would really like to…”

“I should” usually indicates something I don’t really want to do but believe, for some reason, that pushing myself to doing it is advantageous.  Scrutinizing both my resistance as well as the perceived benefit is equally important.

Is the cost to me too high?  Physically, Emotionally, Financially, Time or Energy-wise?  Is this where my resistance comes in?  Or is it just a plain old despicable task?  What exactly is my resistance?  

I used to skip this step and force myself to go through with the task because I was such a people-pleaser.  The perceived benefit was that I would be seen as agreeable, nice, helpful, kind and cooperative. My need for the good opinion of others surpassed the consideration for my own wellbeing.  I was willing to be the martyr.  Being a martyr has its own price, though.  Anger; ‘How dare they ask this of me?’  Indignation; ‘I can’t believe that was dropped in my lap!’ Helplessness; ‘Now I have all this extra work to do!’  Together, these create a bitter stew of resentment, a concoction I have consciously chosen to step away from.

When the request came from someone I love/value, I believed that it was virtuous to ‘sacrifice for the one(s) you love.’  This approach, however, automatically removes choice from the menu of options.  I had assumed that if I truly love the person, I should be willing to ‘give till it hurts,’ so to speak, so what was there to consider?  Being loving had been intertwined with a dysfunctional sense of obligation.  

I’ve had to ask myself a couple of questions; 

‘Does something done out of obligation carry the same blessing as something done with true choice??’  I don’t believe the giver or the receiver are blessed at all.  Who wants to be obliged to someone or feel like an obligation to someone else?  I believe that a ‘yes’ is not truly a ‘yes,’ if it is not coupled with a bona fide consideration with full permission to say ‘no.’  

I’ve also asked myself; 

‘Is there ever an appropriate place for ‘sacrifice’ in a relationship??’  For me, sacrifice should only be done when it can be carried out without a begrudging heart.  It absolutely must be done with a joyful heart.  I don’t need to be jumping up and down with joy, but I must at least be able to find meaning and contentment in meeting someone else’s need.  Otherwise, even a slight whiff of resentment can dampen love.

Initially, even taking baby steps toward recovering from a life driven by ‘shoulds’ was arduous.  It was a muscle I had rarely flexed.  The awareness and increased sense of well-being I have gained by inching away from a life of obligations and toward a life of true choices has been buoyant and life-affirming. It has been worth every single struggle!

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2024 Zanne

I sit down to write but the words don’t come.  Instead, a host of thoughts crowd my mind.

‘That tooth is bothering me again…hope it doesn’t turn into anything before my checkup.’

‘Do I have everything I need to pack and be ready to go Friday morning at the crack of dawn?’

‘Hmm…have to check the hamper…may be some things in there that I’ll need.’

‘Aren’t there a few gifts that I still need to finish up?’

‘Need to make sure I have all the housework done so I come back to a clean home.’

‘I’ve already been sitting too long, it’s time to move this stiff body of mine.’

‘I may need a nap. I didn’t sleep well last night…kind of feeling tired.’

‘Those lanais really need to be swept after the storm and wind of the past couple days.’

‘What a beautiful day!’

That last one stops me in my tracks.  It’s the first thought that actually brings me back to the present moment.  All the previous thoughts are merely resistance to my slowing down and really listening.  Noticing the beauty of the day, however, helps me to turn inward and listen to my heart rather than the random thoughts running through my brain.  There are times like this, when I experience stubborn resistance to slowing down.  I show up to do the work, but I can’t seem to tap into the spring that I know is there deep beneath the rubble.  

The rubble has been collecting over the last couple of months of busyness.  Though it was all good busyness, finding my way back to center is an effort because the path is not quite as clear as if I had been there as recently as yesterday or even the day before.  Focusing on the bright sunshine streaming through the window as well as the leaves beyond, dancing in the breeze brings a familiar serenity.  Peace and tranquility wash over me for this brief moment, along with a knowing that I’m on the right path…

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2023 Zanne

It was one of those moments you remember long after it has passed. A moment that, while you’re in it, you know it carries great significance.  It’s the gap between stimulus and response, where time seems to stand still and gives you the privilege of examining your options before you respond.

I can’t quite remember his transgression, but I had sent my 13-year-old son to his room for 30 minutes of quiet to think about what he had done.  The evening before, however, he had made plans with his friends and was now chomping at the bit to get his day going.  He tried negotiating, pestering and nagging… anything he could think of to get me to back down. I could tell this was really putting a crimp in his plans.  He was quite angry with me.

I was going about my household chores when I heard something in the foyer.  Knowing my son and I were the only ones in the house at the time, and certain that he was in his room, I went to investigate. There he sat, on the second to the bottom step, putting on his sneakers with great determination.  His body language said, “I am not putting up with this!  No one is going to tell me what to do!”

In a calm, controlled tone, I asked him, “What are you doing?”  

Keeping his eyes on his sneakers, he responded, “I’m going to Josh’s house.”  

I said, “You can go after you’ve finished the time in your room.”  

Having finished tying his shoes, he stood up, turned, looked me squarely in the eyes and said, “Are you going to make me?”  

That’s when it happened; that’s when time stood still.  What to do?  What to do?  I had never dared question my parents’ authority in this manner.  This was completely foreign territory for me.  I understood in that moment, however, that this was a power struggle, probably the first of many.  In that moment, I also realized that how I handled this first one would probably set the stage for conflict/resolution in our relationship for the rest of his teen years.  I felt there was a lot riding on how I handled this one.  

Unsavory images of a shouting match or worse… me in a tussle with my son flitted across my internal field of vision.  Physically restraining him just was not an option I cared to even consider.  Never mind that he could have easily overtaken me.  Having witnessed a friend engage in just such an altercation with her son and getting shoved, convinced me I never wanted to put myself in that position. I willed myself into an outward serenity that I did not feel on the inside. In complete calm and quiet I replied, “No, I’m not going to make you stay.   You will eventually return and we will just deal with it then.”  With that I walked away to resume my chores, faking lack of concern, as if I had the situation under complete control.

A few moments later, from the next room, I heard thud, thud as each of his sneakers hit the foyer floor in succession, then the almost imperceptible squeak of the stairs as he climbed them going back to his room.  It was only then that I realized I had been holding my breath, waiting to exhale…  

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2023 Zanne

Flipping through the local newspaper, I happened upon the Obituaries.  Though I’ve never been one to seek out the obituary section, this one jumped out at me because the picture of the 80-year-old, white-bearded man who had died looked so much like Santa Clause.  The megawatt smile on his face proclaimed his joyous spirit.

He was described as a generous personality who was heavily invested in the Community.  After retiring from a lengthy career as a police officer, he started a food pantry, naming it “People Helping People,” which is still operational to this day.  He was also named “Outstanding Citizen of the Year” in the town where he lived.  I couldn’t help but feel that I had missed out because I had never even met this man.  How many other wonderful people, I wondered, would I completely miss knowing simply because I never met them…?

Then, perhaps a bit morbidly, I started thinking about what might be written in my obituary.  Off the top, I couldn’t think of any noteworthy accomplishments that my survivors might want to expound on.  A sobering thought indeed!

What would I like to leave as a legacy, I asked myself?  What do I want my children and grandchildren to remember about me?  What kind of influence do I hope to have had on them? 

Posed this way, I knew immediately what I want my legacy to be. I want them to know the freedom and joy of being authentically themselves.  I want them all to not only feel accepted, but to know, beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are loved purely and completely exactly as they are…to feel at home in their own skin and their own hearts.  I want them to carry that love forever, always growing in their desire to spread it to everyone they encounter and passing it down to their offspring.  Love is the greatest power on earth and I know if they spend their lives pursuing the perfection of that Love, it will ensure their fulfillment.  Life is not always easy but it is made not just more tolerable but more meaningful by focusing on the power of real LOVE applied to every life situation.  To have future generations live a better life because I have dared to live and love authentically is probably not a noteworthy accomplishment that will find its way in my obituary but I believe it is a noble goal nonetheless. If I have instilled Love and Authenticity in them by the time I die, I will consider myself a very blessed woman indeed, no matter what is written in my obituary… 

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2023 Zanne