It’s mid-January. The holidays are definitely over. Why then, am I so reluctant to take down the decorations?  I love their visual reminders of peace, love and serenity that I see around me.  They fill my cup to overflowing.  On Christmas Eve, I was telling my family how the string of lights represents, for me, the spark within each one of us.  During the holidays, it seems we’re more likely to let our light shine.  Giving and receiving love seems to come more naturally. Joy nudges us to reveal more of our authentic self.  The goodness just naturally wants to come out and spread cheer.  

It is our responsibility and privilege to tend to this inner light of ours, so that it continues to glow brighter as we mature and grow in wisdom.  It is the light of our soul’s authenticity. I believe that is why the holidays are so magical…because we are more closely in touch with our spiritual selves and our authentic goodness that comes directly from our connection to the Divine.  It’s Love in its purest form.  What an incredible gift!

As I sit admiring our still-lit Christmas tree, I’m concerned that once the Christmas lights are taken down and put away for another eleven months, I will slip into familiar routines and forget to be joyful and spread good cheer.  Like losing the string tied around my finger…will I remember as easily once it’s gone?  

While the winter solstice is behind us and daylight is on the increase, darkness comes early for quite some time still.  When this darkness is punctuated by tiny little lights, my heart sings.  This may be why I find myself looking for ways to incorporate little white fairy lights in my decor.  It warms my heart when I see them and they seem to murmur to me, “Take the time to sit in silence and just be…”

~SuZanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2023 Zanne

Considering she lost her own mother when she was a mere 9 months old, Mom seemed to instinctively know how to be a wonderful mother.  How blessed were we to have been raised by her and our father, who truly loved us as well as each other!

Mom melted whenever she held a baby in her arms. She was an expert at showing love to her children, 6 grandchildren and 5 great-grandchildren. She was a very involved grandmother, helping in any way she could. Among many other things, every single grandchild cherishes their memories of going camping with Memère and Pepère.  Their grandchildren were lavished with time, attention and love, as we all were. 

I don’t think any of our Birthdays will be the same without getting a call from Mom and hearing her sweet little voice singing us “Happy Birthday to you…” over the phone.  It happened on my recent Birthday, that she called from her hospital bed to sing to me but I missed her call.  Undeterred, she sang her sweet birthday wishes into my voicemail.  That’s one message I will be listening to each year on my birthdays to come. What a sweet remembrance!  

It’s no secret that Mom was a woman of faith who tried her best to show love and goodness to all who crossed her path.  She believed strongly in daily prayer and had a strong devotion to Mary, mother of Jesus. Her desire was to pass on that devotion to all.  She prayed daily for our Spiritual wellbeing.

Mom clung to her Catholic faith as the life preserver that it was for her.  All of her decisions were made from the viewpoint of her understanding of what God wanted her to do.  It was the framework of Mom’s life.  This simple, “no-frills approach” provided her with the stability she needed in her life and it worked for her. The way she conducted her day-to-day life, more than anything, was our greatest teacher.  

Mom was a gentle soul.  She didn’t have a mean, vindictive bone in her body and meant no one any harm, EVER!  If she hurt someone, you could bet it was unintentional and as soon as she became aware of any pain she had caused, she immediately went about trying to repair it to the best of her ability and never gave up trying. In order to avoid fostering feelings of resentment toward others, she tried to understand their point of view, knowing that we all interpret things differently.  

Her compassion for others compelled her to practice complete & total Forgiveness – She never held grudges.  She understood, on some level, that holding grudges would be the equivalent of keeping her heart in a prison of her own making.

While she resisted change like most people do, when it was thrust upon her, she dealt with it gracefully. Mom and Dad had always been so close, that after Dad passed, we were concerned about how she would manage. While she never stopped missing Dad, she refused to give in to depressing thoughts.  If she sensed her spirits taking a nose dive, she would busy herself or call someone.  We admired how adaptable she actually was.  

One of the comments an extended family member made about her in the last few days was that she had a strong diminutive presence. That so aptly describes Mom.  While she was small in stature and soft-spoken in demeanor, she was a woman of great strength. 

Mom extended love to all, including and especially to those who seemed unworthy – simply because that’s what Jesus asked of us.  “What would Jesus Do?” was not merely a cute saying to our mother, it was the way she lived her life.  

~Zanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2022 Zanne

As has become customary over the last two years when going through my morning routine, I ask myself, “Am I going out of the house today?  In other words, will I be seeing anyone? Or rather…will I ‘be seen’ by anyone” which translates into “Do I need to put my best face forward using makeup?”

Before this pandemic, that was never a question, ‘primping’ was a given.  Not seeing anyone day after day, however, has encouraged a more, shall we say, ‘natural look.’  Do I like this?  Yes and no.  I like the ease of preparation and gaining the extra few minutes.  BUT I don’t like what I see when occasionally glancing in the mirror throughout the day and I wonder if my husband notices.  By far, the most disconcerting, is that I’ve gotten out of the habit of putting a smile on my face!  

I’ve long known that a smile is not just an accessory but a necessity for me to feel my best.  Yet, spending so much time alone and not having too many people to share it with has gotten me out of the practice of wearing one altogether!  How sad, I reflect to myself.  I had just recently shared with a friend that even though I’m not someone who depresses easily, I’ve been feeling kind of ‘flat’ these days…like I lost my “Joi-de-vivre.”  While certainly understandable, I ponder what I can do about it.  

Connecting with other people brings me joy.  However, that has been pretty limited lately.  The balance between time alone and time with others has become off-kilter.  I’ve been wrapped up in my own little world and have become a little work machine…doing, doing, doing

I must be more intentional about bringing joy into my life!  There is power in a joyful spirit and that has always been part of my being…until now.  Besides the Covid pandemic, what else has changed, I ask myself?

At first glance, I quickly dismiss the skipped ‘primping’ step as anything of significance.  However, if I start each day feeling physically at my best, wouldn’t’ that be a step in the right direction??  Since every part of me is interconnected, isn’t it possible that it could have at least a small impact in the right direction?  It’s certainly worth a try.

So out comes the makeup once again, even when I’m not ‘seeing’ anyone and vice-versa, “I” am still seeing myself.  Relegating its daily use to a ‘non-essential’ during this time of isolation was…unintentional neglect?  I have long understood that there is magic in wearing even a little bit of makeup.  I’m noticing my spirits rise.  And probably because I am more mindful of my state of joy, I am cultivating other little opportunities when they present themselves.  

This makes me realize that something as seemingly vain or materialistic as makeup has its place in the realm of the spiritual after all.  When I see myself in a better light and as more empowered, that is what I manifest in my life and that engenders a better disposition.  So, makeup, it turns out, can be a catalyst for good…I knew that!

~Zanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2022 Zanne

The Sunday following Thanksgiving 2018 was so joyous!  Jan treated my husband and me, along with another couple, to an evening at the Philharmonic where we enjoyed a spectacular Christmas performance by Mannheim Steamroller!  Jan kept us laughing and created such a sense of levity and celebration.  We all agreed it was a fitting way to usher in the holiday season.

We became very concerned when she texted us the following Thursday afternoon, saying she would love for us to come visit her in the hospital.  She had just had an MRI and would be staying overnight.

She was thrilled to see us when we arrived that evening.  Her good humor was evident as she joked with the nurses. She was already on a first name basis with the entire staff and exuded a warmth toward them like they had been longtime friends.  What a gift, I reflected to myself…to be able to create community wherever she goes and elicit goodwill by first extending it!  She is such an inspiration!

Once the nurses left her room, we asked her about the MRI and hospitalization.  

“The MRI indicates that I have three brain tumors,” she said.  “The good news is that the cancer has not spread throughout my body.  The bad news is that until they know what kind it is, they can’t treat me, so they have to drill three holes in my head to find out.  At 67, I don’t need more of those,” she joked. 

“Oh my gosh, Jan, I am so sorry!  When is this scheduled for?” I asked.

“Tonight or tomorrow morning.  This is the last of this hair you’ll see for awhile.  They’ll be coming in to shave it off shortly.”

“Oh Jan!  I am so sorry!” I felt so dejected.

“Don’t worry, I’m not afraid,” she said as she met my eyes with a calm as peaceful as it was genuine.

We walked up and down the hallway a couple of times before she grew weary and said so.

Before leaving, I promised I’d be back the next day as she requested, even though I highly doubted I’d be let into her room so soon after her surgery.  Even so, I wanted to be there to see for myself that she was okay after such an ordeal.

Imagine my surprise the following afternoon when I walked into her crowded room and saw her still in possession of her hair and looking mighty good!  Smiling and laughing as usual, she lit up when I walked in as she said, “Hi there!  I’m so glad you’re here!  Let me introduce you to my family!”

After the introductions, I turned to her and said, “Well!  You certainly look way better than I expected to find you!”

She answered my question before I could give it voice.  “It’s not good news,” she started.  My family has come to take me home to Indiana, where I can be near them and get complete care.”

Her daughter put her arm around her and mumbled something about keeping her comfortable…  My brain reverberated with the same shock as that of a speeding car into a brick wall as I tried to make sense of what I was hearing.

With a heavy heart, I knew when I left the hospital that Friday, that it was the last time I would see our dear, sweet Jan.   Glioblastoma was the diagnosis. She passed on New Year’s day, just a few days more than a month after diagnosis.

Every so often we have the good fortune of having an extraordinary human being enter our lives; someone who has a positive impact on us.  Jan was one of those people.  She was an inspiration in my life.  Her sense of humor and good nature were infectious.  Her very being lit up any room she walked into.  She had developed in herself, the virtues of kindness, generosity, understanding and forgiveness.

Life is precious, and we can never take it for granted.  Losing this friend as quickly as we did causes me to ask myself, “Is what I’m currently doing how I want to be living my life?”  Is this the best use of what time I have left?”  

Thank you, Jan for the gift of your life, love and example.  You’ve been a beacon of light in my life.  

~Zanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2022 Zanne

A shiny, brand new, sparkly year stretches out before me like a fresh canvas awaiting the artist.  The possibilities are astounding.  On paper and in my mind, I easily re-imagine my life.  I like to use this time of year to pause, reflect and make changes; to discern if I am on course or to ask myself if I would prefer something altogether different.  It’s so easy to imagine myself doing all kinds of new things and attempting sweeping changes.  But will I?? As a creature of habit, I find myself pretty much falling into familiar routines.  Not that this is bad, I know much of it is, in fact, good.

In reality, I plan to make a few small changes here and there.  I initially balk at small changes.  My inner critic urges me toward grand scale audacious changes.  It tells me that otherwise, they won’t amount to anything.  It suggests that small changes are wimpy, for the weak of character and will never get me to a new destination …or will they??

Interestingly enough, while my inner critic scoffs at small changes, it also whines at the sheer magnitude of big changes.  What all of this could amount to is no change at all!  Ultimately, I’ve noticed that I have a much greater chance at success with small, manageable changes here and there than sweeping, all-encompassing ones.

For instance, eight years ago, totally revamping the way we were eating seemed like a worthy goal.  I soon discovered that it was a daunting task.  I could, however, try one or two new healthy recipes each month and incorporate those we enjoyed into my round of meals, replacing others that were less healthy. While that may seem like a low bar, it was something that I was able to incorporate into my schedule without too much effort.  Bit by bit our menu was taking shape around fresh vegetables and plant-based foods and away from heavily starched and/or processed foods high in nutrient-deprived calories.  Starting small made this change manageable, which allowed me to stick with it.  Now eight years later, our menu is upwards of 85% better and still growing.  Since focusing on eating better, I’ve become more intentional with food choices.  It has become easy for me to bypass the unhealthy items on the supermarket shelves, releasing myself from having to repeatedly exercise my will power at home. One small change leads to another, to another…

A life coach once said to me, “Set a goal so small, that it’s laughable at how easily attainable it is… then grow it from there.”  That made a whole lot of sense to me.  Up until then, I had neglected the fact that even small changes often grow exponentially.  A small change in one area of my life affects many other areas, making the change quite significant in the end.  Now I’m constantly on the look-out for any small change that I can incorporate to improve the quality of my life…

Happy New Year!

~Zanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2022 Zanne

“Every day, I put a note under my little sister’s pillow from her favorite fairy, Astra,” my nine-year-old granddaughter whispers to me over FaceTime.  She’s grinning from ear to ear.  By the gleam in her eye, I can tell she really enjoys this little game.

“Really!?  And she doesn’t know it’s from you?  I would think she would recognize your handwriting,” I say to her.

“Grandmama, she’s only four and a half!  She doesn’t know yet that everyone has a different handwriting.  I’ve had to tell my brother (seven years old) about it though, because he could have figured it out.  I wanted him to encourage our little sister to believe it.  Even when it’s just my brother and me, I talk with him as if the letters really are from Astra-the fairy because I’m hoping he’ll eventually forget that they’re really from me.”

“You seem to be enjoying yourself. What made you decide to do this?” I ask. 

“Well, at first I just thought it would be fun.  But, Grandmama, if you could just see the joy that spreads across her face when she gets a letter from Astra!  I love to see that so I keep writing more letters!”

She assured me she knew it couldn’t go on forever, but not to worry, she has a plan.  She will send letters less frequently, every other day at first, then every few days, then weekly, then every other week, then monthly…  She had really thought this through.  I suspect she will probably forget long before the weaning process is complete, however.

Regardless, her sentiment took root in my heart.  Would that we all want to light up someone’s face with joy on a regular basis!  This act is really a win/win because both the giver and the receiver are blessed in the process.  I found my older granddaughter’s desire to intentionally please her little sister to be such an inspiration.  Her purity of heart was a gift.  It reminded me how precious acts of kindness are, and I vowed to be more alert to opportunities…not to send letters from a fairy, though, but to be more intentional about spreading joy, myself.  

~Zanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2021 Zanne

As an adult looking back over my childhood years, I’m able to evaluate them with perspective.  Back then, I thought we had the necessities…everything we needed but not everything we wanted.  There were no funds for baton-twirling, ballet, or figure-skating lessons.  We went to the movies approximately twice during my entire childhood.  On the rare occasions when we went out to eat, my sister, brother and I knew that we were to order the least expensive item on the menu, usually a hot dog.  Because it was such a treat, we didn’t much mind.  

Each year, though, my father would take his vacation paycheck and we’d hit the road.  It was often to places he had heard of from the men he worked with…a rock quarry in Vermont or the National Park in coastal Bar Harbor, Maine.  They weren’t expensive vacations, mind you, but you’d never have known that based on our level of excitement.  To save money where they could, we’d stop at roadside picnic areas and enjoy the sandwiches Mom had prepared.  Then we’d stay at roadside motels where the five of us, six when my grandfather came along, would cram into one room.  Laying sheets on the floor and unrolling our sleeping bags over it was an adventure for us three children.  Those nights were exciting, fun and filled with giggles.  The best part of these vacations was that Dad was more rested and had time to play with us, whether it be pass, softball, or boardgames.  What fun!

While I had a notion of it in my youth, I understand even more clearly now, that our blessings outweighed our lack.  The things that cost nothing yet are priceless, we had aplenty.  Love was the most abundant blessing we experienced.  First, we knew beyond any doubt that our parents loved one another.  We saw it in the way they looked at each other, the little considerations they showed one another, how they put each other’s needs front and center, and most of all how they handled disagreements… with such civility and restraint.  There was never any doubt in our minds that they would always be there for each other. The thought of playing one against the other for personal favors was out of the question!  They were a rock-solid team.

I’ve heard it said that the greatest gift a father can give his children is to love their mother.  The truth of that statement was made clear to us over and over again.  The security that we derived from knowing our parents’ bond was secure certainly gave us children a strong foundation to stand and grow on.  

Having just what we needed and a little bit of what we wanted, helped us focus on the important things in life…relationships, a virtuous character, spirituality, and discerning real needs from wants.

On some level I understood that we didn’t have a lot because there were so many things we couldn’t have or do.  My first new dress came at the beginning of my high school freshman year.  But on another level, I didn’t lack for anything.  I felt supported, cared for, and I not only knew my parents would always love and accept me, but that they were proud of me.  I believe that these are the greatest gifts children can ever receive. 

As youngsters, we thought we didn’t have everything we wanted, as adults, we realize that we had so very much more...

~Zanne
InSearchOfAuthenticity.com
© 2021 Zanne